If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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