Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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