i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize