All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
