I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
