I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
