at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
