Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
