What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
FUCK WHALES
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
