I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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