well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
