im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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