Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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