I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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