She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
