I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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