Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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