I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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