I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
