You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
