You smell like a Billy Joel song
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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