12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
