no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
