meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
