I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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