haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
