your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
