hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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