so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Im part way to drunk.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
