this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
