So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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