there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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