I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
