Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
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