My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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