4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
