i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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