And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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