So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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