one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
