it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize