I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
