When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
