So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
