She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
