i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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