Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Let's get the cat blown out
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
where are my eyebrows?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
