Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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