Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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