I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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