Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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