Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Randomize
