I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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