I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
